Things That Make Me Say No……….

while at the gym. 

1. Somehow being acutely unaware about how bad you smell

I’m not sure what the deal is with people, but how can you not smell yourself? My least favorite is when you can tell the person didn’t take his clothes out of his gym bag and just decided to rewear the same crap for like three days straight. I can only describe the smell as a wet towel left in a heap on the floor or ball sweat. Whatever.

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2. Taking the treadmill, elliptical, bike right next to me when 9 others are open. 

Um, can you not? You’re invading my personal space.

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3. Wearing unflattering workout clothes. This goes for men and women. 

I try not to judge, but what are you wearing? I don’t need to be afraid that your balls are going to fall out of your shorts while you use the bench press, or see every roll of skin from your ankles to your neck while you break a sweat on the stationary bike. Or even worse, your camel toe. Just stop.

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4. Looking at my treadmill speed and incline and silently challenging me to a dual.

I see you looking at me out of the corner of your eye. Yes, I’m walking today, because I ran three miles yesterday and already did yoga. So back off.

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5. Monopolizing the entire space around the lockers.

It’s your world. I’m just living in it.

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6. Hovering behind me so you can use the machine I’m on.

This just in, there is an entire gym of other machines you could use for less than five minutes. I get it’s a chest day, and you need the chest press, but go do some pushups and wait your turn.

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7. Please stop staring at me when I’m changing. It’s weird.

Um, you’re creeping me out lady.

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8. Talking about how awesome you are.

It’s always the people who do Insanity or Cross Fit. It’s like a dick measuring contest. All. The. Time. “I’m not the best, but I at least know how to do dead lifts.” Don’t care.

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9. Overly loud weight lifters.

I must say, I can’t help but snicker when I hear some guy shouting so he can get out of a squat. This isn’t the Olympics. You just look ridiculous. It’s even better when it’s like 130 lbs.

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10. People who think certain machines or lockers belong to them and only them.

Last time I checked, this isn’t your home. So nothing in this space belongs to you. “OMG, I hate when someone takes my locker.” Well, then pay the gym a monthly fee so it can ALWAYS be your locker and shut the hell up. Thanks.

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Drunk Texting Is Your Nenemy

Yes, your nenemy.

nen-e-my (n.)
1. both your nemesis and your enemy meaning double the hatred and double the consequence.

I should be more specific, drunk texting your ex is a terrible, terrible idea. We’ve all done it. I’ve done it. But when I woke up in the morning, I was almost always mad at myself. Not “almost always,” I was 100% always mad at myself. You try and justify why you did it in your head, and maybe you even erase the text messages to pretend it never happened (Guilty!), but no matter what, drunk texting your ex is a no, no.

Obviously when you’ve been drinking, that little voice in your head that stops you from doing stupid shit is silenced by a slurring version of yourself encouraging bad choices. There is never an okay time to beg and plead for someone to talk to you, but it’s even worse when you are drinking. Anything that is along the lines of, “I miss you,” “We are meant to be together,” “I think you are making a huge mistake,” makes you look desperate and crazy. It’s also pretty much a given that these texts will be sent after 11 p.m., which means your ex will know you’re sauced, thus making you vulnerable.

There really isn’t any good that comes of it. 1. He could answer you and stroke your ego, then ignore you again, making you feel worse. Maybe he does miss you too and maybe he’s miserable as well, but sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones. 2. He could ignore your text and then you’ll really feel bad about yourself. More tears and more heartache, which could all be avoided if you step away from the smart phone and make the decision to move forward without your ex in your life. Just remember, you might feel alone and sad, but there are people who do love you. You more than likely aren’t getting drunk by yourself. The people who have taken you out to cheer you up are the ones that have your back and love you. It may seem like a lost cause now, but pressing send on whatever gibberish you’ve written, will not make you feel better.

Did you ever see that Friends episode where Monica and Richard break up? Well, more like a series of episodes. Monica can’t sleep at all and all she wants to do is call Richard, which she does and makes a fool out of herself on his answering machine. Then, her dad comes to see her and tells her that Richard is miserable too. She finally finds some peace and falls asleep. She struggles and makes some rash decisions, but they never get back together. But Monica finds happiness and marries Chandler. It may not make sense now, but everything happens for a reason.